John 14:19

Jesus said … Because I live, you also will live.

This I believe.

OK to Go

When my time has come,

And whistle of the train can be heard,

Time to get onboard,

Bags packed ready or not.

 

Let go of the known,

Peace still,

Excited for the journey,

Never been there,

It feels like I’ve known that place all along.

 

There’s nothing much here,

Evil, sickness, injustice,

Work and toil and a dripping roof,

Taxes and debts and darkness,

When my time is up,

And my candle burnt,

Why not. It’s OK to go.

The world’s loss is heaven’s gain.

 

The pain goes to those who are left behind,

It is because of your love,

Mine is a life beautiful.

It is because of your love,

Great is your grief.

Celebrate life,

It is well with my soul.

Be comforted, it’s OK to go.

Go where? Go home.

I’ll be there when you come home too.

Santa Niel

This is inspired by Nathaniel.

He told us ‘I bought some cakes…’ to begin with, he didn’t really have extra cash. He and his wife always ordered one dish at the restaurant to be shared. They are expecting. Twins! And Nat is the sole bread winner of this young family.

But he always has just enough to bless others.

‘… and I saw 2 ladies walking along the street. I stopped my car and beckoned them. And I just gave them the cake much to their pleasant surprise.’

Sometimes he would be given lunch packs when he attended functions. He would take if the organizers had extra packs. Then he would be on the lookout for gardeners or building cleaners and gave the lunch packs to them.

‘These people often go unnoticed. So low… and unseen and unappreciated.

These are the people I will offer food to. And most of the time, they really needed and appreciated what we often took for granted.’

Nathaniel isn’t rich. He doesn’t have a lot. But he showed me that a person doesnt really need to have a lot of money to impact another person’s life. Rich or poor, one can still be generous and brighten other people’s day.

He said ‘If I have the time and means, I will be Santa Claus again this week.’

I told him ‘Santa Claus was actually Saint Nicholas. You are Saint Nathaniel.’

Bro… dont buy. I’ll bake some for you to give away. Spread some love.

Merry Christmas to all.

See you there !

Imagine Passover Feast in the olden Jewish days. The term feasts in Hebrew literally means “appointed times.” At appointed times declared as holiday, people put aside what they are normally doing and do something else in remembrance of something significant.

So there will be a feast next week. We gather once in 3 years, comrades of the same faith making pilgrimage via AirAsia from all over Malaysia.

I texted LAL, a friend from Melaka High School. I liked to hang out with her during my form 6 days coz she had (and still has) an evil witty tongue. She didn’t care about a lone Sabahan travelled so far for education. No mercy, no pity and she being raw and real, I found this friend to be true and honest. She was a fighter and although she may attack me from the front, I knew she got my back.

Me :  Oi, am I going to see you next week?

LAL : Yes, we are coming.

Me : We who?

(after a few minutes, a picture of her kids reached me)

LAL : This bunch. And my hubby.

Me : Whoa. Jesus found your hubby?

LAL : Yes! 2 years ago

After many many many minutes, LAL texted me again.

Thank you for bringing me to Christ. Thank you.… Even my dad knows who is the person who brought me to Christ. He still remembers your name.

God has the wonderful plan for all of us. He can bring you from Sabah to Melaka to show me the testimony of Christ. He loves us so much !! It’s like the seed growing and you don’t know when you can harvest. (emoji with the shades)

Reminder to self : I don’t remember telling her about Jesus then. It was during the university days, when LAL hit a roadblock and I visited her. I half heartedly invited her to church and the rest was history. She appeared like those with strong chinese roots and a red altar at home, tongue sharp like sword, exactly those kind of people you think is opinionated and won’t be interested. That was what I saw on the outside, but God has a divine plan. She has a seed of faith inside that I couldn’t see.

See you at the feast, buddy.

Heart full.

Temporary

I came across a very interesting article today.

Why God brings you closer to some people, and then takes them away.

 

The notion of people coming and people going isn’t too foreign to me. I get that.

Sometimes you meet a new friend that clicks so well with you like everything makes sense, words of encouragement hits the spot bingo, there is motivation to get out there and be a better person. Soon the relationship developed to be unexpectedly rather beautiful and well polished and near perfection , that you are hoping and wishing and praying that nothing will disturb the balanced dynamics.

 

Come to think of it, good friends that I had ((and still keep in touch with (I suck at this) even once a blue moon, it counts) most aren’t playing an active part in my life now. But I couldn’t deny they had at least, at one point – past tense, inspired me, kicked my ass, healed me, laughed and cried with me, hugged me and left footprints all over my heart.

 

And usually, these different ones come one at a time. One at every pivotal season… God knows exactly the person you need right at that very moment of time, and when the season passed… God… removed them. The dynamic tips. When that someone matters to you, you can be sure it cracks and breaks cardiac.

 

Then I am being reminded, the active involvement of a person in my life, or vice versa, is probably meant to be temporary. They are like angels… here to teach us something or help us through one particular stage of life, and once that is done, they fly away.

They are supposed to.

Maybe They are needed elsewhere.

Winter

There is a time and season for everything. A rhyme and a reason.

This is probably winter. No matter how many layers of clothing worn, the core is cold. Cold like, the head knows what need to be done, the hands do it, the heart unmotivated. Cold like, the face flashes a positive smile readily, the heart apathic. Like there are many wonderful news going around, as much as sad news happenings, just wanna close the eyes and bring the darkness down.

But dare not. For fear that when I reopen them, darkness would remain and never go away.

I thought of the 12 kids and the coach trapped in a flooded cave. I thought of the rescuer who perished. I saw the news of a capsized tourists’ vessel, last count 40 plus didn’t make it. All they wanted was just a getaway, or a holiday. I was overjoyed to learn that the kids and their coach were found alive, as I did think all the search party can find was probably bodies. And who would have thought the one who went in to save, died?

Ecclesiastes – Meaningless, meaningless… everything is. Toiling under the sun.

I keep looking within. I keep searching for my God.

I still do my daily devotions. I dare not drift from my God whom I know has the answers. I know God is faithful but… Why am I feeling this way? I don’t understand what I am feeling anyway. Lord, where is the joy?

Finally I received the verification e-mail from Mercy Ship today. I clicked on, filling the application step by step. A few days after my first attempt couple of weeks ago, I had a curious dream. May or may not be related.

Then I reached this question…

“We model after Jesus. Can you please describe, who Jesus is to you?”

My fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure how to answer this question. Then suddenly for reasons unknown, I got very emotional.

I’m going to continue the online application another day. Do they have winters in Africa? See you soon, Africa.

Tainted Mirror – just musing

Of late, God placed a (another) sister in my life. Unlike the one 6 months ago, this is younger. Both impacted my life, because both made me brave. For now, let’s talk about this lil sister in Christ. She had the maturity that we can talk like peers, and the free spirit to make me feel like I am in my 20s when I spent time with her.

I treasure this friend of mine, I do. The scary thing is… God puts people in my life to tell me about myself. We are very different, but many times in the unlikeliest manner, she showed me my own reflection in a tainted, stained and cracked mirror.

Recently my lil sister confided in me that she is lonely.

That was a very courageous admission of weakness and I didn’t respond immediately. I let the statement sink in… and then I started to kick into the role of a big sister. Abothen what am I supposed to do? There goes a session of gently barraging her with words of affirmation, wisdom and encouragement… some of which are not easy to hear, but truth that needed to be spoken and was spoken with love, like a bitter medicine. Some includes having faith and trust in the perfect timing of the Lord ! The Lord will provide!

….. now where’s the mirror again?

aL, do you believe for yourself, what you had just said about Me?

My lil sister might be (or maybe not at all), wondering if I am lonely. Wondering if I am even the correct person to ask for such advice. Ah-ah… damn sure you will get advice that are out-of-this-world if you ask me. The world is overflowing with Hollywood ideas, those are not even wisdom! Mine shall come from the Holy Word! Authoritative so. If I can help it.

There I go again, talk like a wise woman of God. Then I of little faith will pray.

Oh God, You better let Your promise come true in (lil sis)’ life, because I sorta told her about how faithful and good You are, plus Your promises… this and that. So, let her first. Her doors open first. Hers must come true, bless her first. Mine whatever. Your will be done.

Haha… what kind of prayer is this? But God, You know what I mean la, right. Just being honest.

In this process, I have no interest in any fake people, so God help me to be a true person myself. And a true Christian, not living a lie. A friend texted me after I cut off my long hair (the 509 victory) “Thumbs up, woman of your word.” Yea, that’s what I wanna be, true and trustworthy. Even to myself.

1 Thes 4.

Dear God, bless this lil sister of mine, whom I love. And the other one. And the one always. And the one who had given up hope… these real people whom I love, who made my life NOT lonely.

 

Excited for the Battle

Definitely ‘Walking on Water’ Category

I didn’t sleep well last night. I am usually a light sleeper and wake up many times throughout the night, yep, but last night was not usual. Whenever I stir, there was a pounding headache. I am not sure if the headache causes me to wake up or did I have trouble falling asleep again because of it. When I did, the cycle will repeat. Fall asleep-wake up with headache- fall asleep- wake up with headache.

What’s happening, Lord?

Call me crazy, the spirit realm is battling. I started a serious fast 2 days ago. I am not foreign to fasting and praying… However recently, I am being reminded acutely that as a Christian, I am not doing justice to the super powerful sword that I have in my hand. Prayer. Desperate ones.

When was the last time I asked God for something so big that my limited human mind cannot comprehend? When was the last time I ask God to intervene in my outwardly-ok-inwardly-deteriorating family situation? Did I ever seriously ask God about my future? Or desperately cry out that God, multiply my Life Group from one to 3, God, multiply my church! Or asking God in a way that I should believe that it will happen, to move His mighty hands over this wretched country of mine? Can’t even remember the last time I ask God to bless and prosper my business… And there are problems and unsolved issues in my life that are buried so far deep in an old well. Shall we deal with it, Lord? And have I properly talked to God about the new place we are doing up?

Everything is prepared. All you need to do is ask, and it shall be granted unto you.

More than anything else, more than all the problems I wished solved, more than the blessings and prosperity God can pour out, more than the blessings of love… at this moment, I really desire and hunger for the presence of God in my spirit. God, I want you more than anything else in the world right now. I am desperate for you!

So, I began my fast with those feeling of dissatisfaction. Come on, there should be more than life as it is now, and I want it, Lord. I am not going to limit what You are going to do in my life this time. I strive for breakthrough now. I want a new heart, a fresh spirit. I need a reNEWed better me !

When I had trouble sleeping last night, I just lie on the bed and randomly prayed for… 1 major issue – the new place, and 1 minor issue – heal my buddy who is having a toothache that is giving her a really cranky mood.

And fell asleep and woke up again(the headache was always there, right side). Okay, now to break the chains and soul ties that unable me to reach higher. And mom and dad.

Fell asleep and again, woke up ! and the cycle repeats. It gets very tiring. That was when I asked. What’s happening, Lord? And God impressed in my heart that all my prayers didn’t go unheard, the angels are working upon it and certain issues need a direct engagement with the darkness.

Eph 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens.

The devil isn’t bloody happy. Fuck. As I am typing this, the left side of my head started to pound…

I belong to Jesus. My God is a good God. My life is good, and going to be better. I desire nothing else, but only fix my eyes on God. I am excited to fight and engage the darkness. I am awaken to fight. I won’t stand at the sideline. If I perish in the battlefield, so be it.

This morning, I woke up to a phone call. The contractor called to say he is working double time to get the new place ready next month. I’m gonna fast and pray that it will be sooner than that. And my friend with the toothache? After pestering me for many days, the pain is just gone. (By the way, I couldn’t diagnose the source of her problem). Instead of holding a palm to her face as she used to for the past few days, now she can’t stop yakking.

Thank you Lord! This is just the beginning. We still have more work to do. Humble me and teach me. Unclutter me and let me be amazingly sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I open my heart to you, to do what only You can.

 

Audience of One

 

Someone recently asked me,
"I wanna buy a hopeful lottery,
Which number you prefer?"
It is number 1, for sure.
And it inspired me,
To write this song,
For my audience of One.

There is always One,
When I couldn't voice out,
Who knows my deepest thoughts.
When I put on a front,
Who can tear the layers and reach the core of me.
So this song is for You,
My audience of One.

And there Your are,
When I hide in shame,
You lifted my chin.
When I love you with an unfaithful and imperfect me,
A broken heart You will not despise,
Taking me just as I am,
You're the audience of One.

Sometimes when You speak,
I pretend not to hear,
And then I am upset,
When You kept silent.
When I couldn't see You,
Are you far from me?
Oh no, You were standing right behind me,
My rock and my fortress,
My audience of One.

You define love,
That's what you are - love,
You define 1,
That's what you are - alpha,
You define omega,
Sealed the deal with "It is finished",
Your love never changing,
Yesterday, today, forever,
And it is new every morning.

I'll always be OK,
with my audience of One.
So will you be too.

 

Modern Day Elijah

It’s Bali~ It’s my brother Ry’s wedding.

And it’s also rainy season.

Ry and his new wife, SY, had always wanted an outdoor dinner reception. Beautiful food and music with the sky and the stars as the ceiling. Provided it doesn’t rain. They had sent out messages requesting for prayers (tho I think they do think that they are too busy to do that themselves).

Me… I know God is good, and God is great. The One who created the heavens and the earth can surely grant perfect weather. After how God held back the rain at our hometown, I kinda don’t wanna trouble God for Bali. I’m sorry bro, I didn’t pray . Also because in my heart, God is God. God is not Santa Clause.

Then in Bali, one AND two days before the wedding day 4th Jan, it was pouring. I witnessed the rain and I saw how much inconvenience the rain potentially cause. Ry and SY considered securing an indoor venue just in case it started to rain. That means up front paying additional thousands of ringgit, just to have a back up plan. Right there in Bali, alone with my feet in the pool, listening to droplets of rain, I began to humbly ask God to have favor upon us once again, and grant clear skies on the 4th. God challenged me to tell Ry not to book the indoor venue because His hands will guide the clouds away. Oh, I of little faith, dare not pass the message to Ry.

4th January came.

Perfect weather for the morning gate crashing and tea ceremony.

Perfect weather for the chapel ceremony and outdoor cocktail. Wonderful weather for photography.

I was thinking, God, You are really so good to us. You listened to our prayers even if it’s last minute or even when many doubted. I spoke with aunt Florence, who loves Jesus very much. I said “Kuku, beautiful weather…” She said “Of course! I prayed.” Kuku’s life of faith never fails to inspire me. When life threw her a lot of challenges and curve balls, the cute little lady will not bother to stand strong. She will just kneel down before Jesus.

And then, of course, perfect weather for the outdoor dinner. No surprise.

Now what got me thinking and writing (after such long gap) is I don’t want to forget this. After a perfect day on the 4th, somebody commented “Oh, how lucky we are. Apparently there is a ceremony going on at Uluwatu region where many Indonesian bomohs and rain chasers gathered to stop the rain for these few days. We are riding on their effort! No rain, thanks to them!” LMAO. Thanks to them…? I’m so sorry God… It cuts my heart and I really don’t know what to say. Bad outcome, blame God, good outcome, it must be coincidence and some other factor.

I pondered upon this incident and I am reminded of the story of Elijah. (1 Kings 18, Bible)

Elijah vs 450 Bomohs. They needed fire. It was a face-off at Mt Carmel. Elijah allowed the bomohs to go first, 450 of them. After crying out loud for half a day, slashing their bodies, the bomohs get no fire. Then it was Elijah’s turn. He told the witnessed to add more water surrounding the fire place. And again, add more. And third time, drench the trench. Elijah prayed… v37 “Answer me, LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.” Poof! Fire came from heaven and burnt the offerings.

Answer us, Lord, so people know that You are God.

I am at peace. God is good and I am grateful. I know who is in control.

Needless to say, it rains again on the 5th and 6th January. Uluwatu was closed to public tourists because of the ongoing ceremony.