Like a Monster

He came into the surgery, with a face so unattractive that whatever you imagine, it could be worse. He wasn’t disfigured, he was just born with a very not handsome face.

But he is a beautiful person.

Past the layer of physical appearance, he spoke nicely, cracked a joke or two, he listened to what the Dr is saying. He needed help with his teeth.

“… I look like a monster.”

He was dealt with a very tough card and he has to continue the game with it. Unfortunately, it is not a game.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think much about his appearance until he said that sentence. And after he did, I imagined how challenging his life be… being born this way. Strangers may not favour him, the first glance at him automatically put people on guard-mode. People won’t be naturally attracted to him, jobs aren’t readily available for him. Like it or not, the world goes easier for physically beautiful people. That’s the sad truth.

The brief encounter with him reminded myself not to be so shallow. Know a person past skin-depth. A person’s true beauty and self worth lies not on what he/she cannot control (the face he/she is born with); but on what he/she can control for example acts of kindness, courtesy, etc.

A Reason to Come Home

This week’s appointment is overbooked. The sudden influx of patients are people with their Identity Card postcoded 90000. Many took a few days of leave and made the pilgrimage for a reason. Tomorrow is 509.

Some came in from Kota Kinabalu, some from Kuala Lumpur. One came all the way from Australia. “I transit at Kuala Lumpur and flew direct to Sydney. Tiring journey, but it need to be done!”

I think that’s love in action. A Malaysian who still loves Malaysia.

Better yet, that is HOPE in action.

Truthfully, after the results were announced 5 years ago, it seems that hope against hope was lost. There was a palpable nationwide mourning atmosphere the next day, something died. Democracy. And people (at least I did) wondered, why do we give a damn anymore. The country is a gone case. Send your kids and young people to another country, where they will have a fair and better future. Where their hard work and talent will be recognized. Where their loyalty will be rewarded. Where their taxes will be channeled back to the betterment of their lives (instead of handbags, rings and watches of one particular individual?)

Come 509. I asked another client, who flew in from Taiwan, “Just curious… why come back for this?”

She didn’t answer immediately. She was thinking.

Then she said “A token of hope.” Seeing these Malaysians really sparked hope. Too many had gone away with a half a foot and half an identity as citizen of another country. Malaysia is no longer a home.

“I’ve been living in Taiwan. I still hope there is a reason for me to come home.”

What’s gonna happen tomorrow? It seems to me this is a battle of a nation VS one man. Instead of guessing, in 24 hours it will be made clear to the whole world. I will do my part and get my finger inked tomorrow. In God we trust, change we must.

“I hope to never see you again”

“I hope to never see you again.

Every time I see you, there’s nothing good….

with my teeth.” says my patient today.

 

“I prefer to meet you outside. And I’ll gladly buy you a drink.”

I poked a needle into her gums, took out her tooth and she still laughs with me. Some patients, even tho admittedly gripped by fear, still has the ability to bring cheer to us all.

=)

A bright Idea

A mom said “Hey Dr ah! Why don’t you put an ice-cream vending machine at your waiting area? I’m sure it’s gonna be a hit.”

“You wanna JV?”

Simply because we recognize that ice-cream might be the comfort food for kids after dental extractions.

Soon, someone might suggest “How about a beer vending machine for men after dental extractions?”

Bla Bla Bla… GDS Part 1

Writing is a type of solace. Uninterrupted writing, that is.

Sometime last week, a friend sent me a letter. 2 pages long, and oh my, HAND WRITTEN. With technology, keyboard, e-mail and getting too used to receive formal letters from banks, associations all in type and printed form, I was actually surprised to see pen ink on paper, with occasional slash and cancelled word, typo no not typo, but misspelling, etc.

The main thing that crossed my mind was… Man, this must have taken like an hour to write!

Anyway, I am not someone who writes/types regularly. I just felt a need to update here, especially these few months, time flew.

The obvious highlight was – at the beginning of the year, there was a freelance dentist wondering what to do with her life and career. And Sandakan town was acutely short of dentists. But being back at home was almost the last thing on her mind. Anyway, by God’s grace, the dentist is back in town offering dental treatment to the beautiful people of Sandakan.

Amazingly, now looking back, after the confirmed decision to start GDS (S branch – first), it only took about a month for planning, sourcing equipment, application for licensing and other paperwork. Renovation, unfortunately, took 2 months plus. Yes, that long. Suppliers warned me, but I didn’t believe.

My heart is truly grateful to God because since day 1, the whole journey is by God’s grace. Once I made the decision to start a clinic in S., I booked the next weekend flight home. I was at Ktown that time doing a full month of locum. Oh, I haven’t mention during that 1 month of planning, I was working a full time job. So I flew back to S, gas up the car and began to drive around a few localities and newer areas. After cruising around, scanning for shops with any ‘To Let’ signs, so far nothing feels  straight right.

 

And I was about to head home empty handed when I realized that I haven’t gave Jah a chance. So at the mile 4 intersection, I prayed. And Jah sent a lot of cars blocking my intended right turn. I went straight into Bandar N instead and I found a premise that I felt is perfect. You know the kind of feeling that once you see it, you kinda know that’s it, I like it. I went home and took my mom to see the place. And later that night, my dad. The next day, premise viewing. And later the same day, confirmed and deposit paid. -phew- No way it’s coincidence. Had Jah not intervened, I might have drove home and ended up another fruitless afternoon nap. So now, when people ask me ‘Where’s your clinic?’ I got a very easy 3 words answer ‘Beside Secret Recipe.’

 

Another interesting milestone is the UKAPS inspection. Before UKAPS inspection, by right a clinic shouldn’t be operating or taking patients. Well, I decided to be obedient and abide by this rule. I waited patiently, while started to train my staff first. Everyday without input, we are burning money. Paying for rental, for utilities, for staff salary, and wai……..t for government people to come and give us green light so we can start taking our first patients. After 2 weeks, we received confirmation that UKAPS will come on Friday 11am. I ordered refreshment and food for them and on Thursday, prep my staff on how to behave when inspectors are here. Thursday 4pm, I received a call ‘Dr, kita dari UKAPS. Boleh kita datang inspection sekarang?’ Waahah, it was like exam dates brought forward or like having a premature delivery. My staff were so funny, suddenly everybody was busy sweeping the floor (again) or wiping the cabinets. Sure enough, the government vehicle with the familiar logo pulled up. The inspection went with a breeze, I thank God big time. Friday came and the clinic had a lil feast ourselves. Following Monday, we will be officially open for business.

 

While I was at Ktown, I received a word from God. He told me to go back to S in peace (oh, you have no idea about the internal war and turmoil about planting foot in S). Jah assured me of blessing, and even amazingly He said He will use me to be a blessing to S town. Oh my… big words. Who am I? No need such big deal ba, God?

 

So the crazy thing was, (please, I am not bragging, this is a personal blog and I just want to give God the glory) while we were waiting for UKAPS to inspect, that 2 weeks of non-operational was already steadily drawing people. When Monday came, we started our business with commendable busy-ness already. It’s not like crazy madness, but to me, a humble good start.

 

Those days, when I drop by daily to check on the progress of renovation, well, basically that was all I was ever doing, those days were free and easy. And thankfully, I was given a chance to go China for almost 2 weeks, all expenses minus flight, paid. It was a wonderful experience. Just as I was in the midst of deciding equipment and stuff for my clinic, I realized that we are potentially paying 200-300% more for the same item I can get in China. Then again,I am very wary of things ‘Made in China’ so I was very selective. Having said that, China is a big hub therefore another level is dedicated to products of Germany, United States, Japan, Italy, etc. I made a mental note to go to these dental expo every year if possible,and suddenly I have no eye nor interest anymore for our own local dental expo. (imagine PC Fair at KL compared with PC Fair S, you know what I mean)

 

…… to be continued….. maybe.

First locum at Kota Kinabalu

Like most firsts, this one strikes a ‘gan jeong’ note in me too. I ironed my shirt, went to bed early, prayed for God’s guidance, woke up early, etc.

Although I haven’t found a semi permanent job to start in January, I certainly didn’t expect a surprising fast locum job offer. Day #3 after I touched down KK.

I took out my notebook (shamefully called a lil revenue book) which i routinely record my locum jobs, flipped to the next empty page and wrote the date today plus the location. 23 December 2011

Then I flipped a page forward and noticed the last entry was 24 November 2011

Whaaat? My hands stopped earning money for a month flat ?!?! A month already? After 24th Nov, I went to Kuching for Hope Malaysia National Convention, then I spent about a week to settle my Ipoh house and say the goodbyes (poorly), spent few more days at Kampar for LifeGame 2.0, spent a really fruitful and enjoyable week at Penang doing the exact kind of dentistry work i love and gave up. I mean surgery of course. I tagged i-can’t-name-her-in-case-i-get-her-into-legal-trouble for on call, and I caught myself really feeling excited when I saw a deep gruesome laceration wound over the face =.=

There goes my month.

Sigh…

Well, locum at Kota Kinabalu is no different from elsewhere. Private practice IS private practice. You decided the best treatment and render them to these patients who trusted you, and you be responsible for what was done.

What’s my career plan? I honestly don’t know.

But I have a lil vision. Grace Dental Group. Dad gave the weirdest look, as in why I named it after mom. To me, Grace is more than just that. It gotta start with one Grace Dental Clinic somewhere sometime. I envision it to be larger than.. Tew Dental! Hahaha, look who’s talking. Someone who wasn’t working for the past one month. Laugh with me, Dream with me, Realize it with me.

Resignation of a U44

The alarm rang like usual. Indicating it’s time to wake up, get ready, and get to work! But not for today. I hit snooze and continue sleeping. Or more like attempted to. Because I stirred once a while, being all too used to wake up in a routine and headed to clock in. Finally, I decided to just wake up la (bladder tak tahan liao).

8.30am. The air, the surroundings and everything is just the same. But I felt different. The first tune that came to me was Turn your eyes upon Jesus. I felt free and without responsibilities, and there was this excitement of NOT knowing what lies ahead. I haven’t plan that far and it seems to irk many people, who won’t settle for my answer ‘I dunno. I reaaaly dunno.’ And keep asking and quick to give suggestions.

Yes, this day onwards. I am no longer an official Malaysian civil servant. Putrajaya had confirmed it.

If I was just leaving Slim River, I would be so happy. But to leave Hospital Ipoh, the department of my passion was done with heavy steps and heavy hearts. Time crawls in Slim River. Time flies in OS, Hosp Ipoh. It was 1 year and 6 months.

——–

Yesterday, the clinic threw a farewell high tea party for me. Like DSA Afni said ‘Kita meraikan Dr Soo meninggalkan kita’. Food and place was fantastic. But nothing like the people… fellow officers were there, FYDOS came, specialists graced it, DSAs and Sisters came, PPK and trainee students and dear PT Vijaya also came. Friends from Paediatric department also joined us.
The funny part was Dr Rabindar and Dr Meena took me out earlier that day to choose my own gifts for me. I was surprised at the total budget, almost humbled. And I must say, these ladies did a great job in finding me gifts. I surely appreciate the gifts.

Because one day I reheat my dinner using clinic’s microwave.

Pinky is the name.

Having high-tea at Tower Regency Hotel was like having dinner for me. Their food layout and choicest was amazing and really worth the RM18/pax. Dr Yuen gave a word or two. And they made me give a farewell speech. I spoke gibberish which I dun remember now, and the clinic yet presented me with an amazing gift. A gift to keep and cherish in your heart. I understand this was a dear FYDO’s effort. With a fairy drawing on a make- shift suture box.

Every message in it was as classical and personified as the colleague and associate that I worked with, regardless how simple it was. DSA Sarlina would doodle, Dr Rabindar put her stamping chop on it, Dr Yuen told me to pass up my homework, etc etc etc, some with nicely cut borders, some included wax work. One particularly humbling piece was from a staff I blasted a few days ago, she cut a heart shape piece of paper for me and wrote there From Ibu.

I had enjoyed working in hospital Ipoh, especially in this field of Oral Surgery which I loved since 3rd year as a student. Everyday is exciting. And we are always that close to touching human’s life. I am not going to cry there and then, but this is certainly a job that I will miss in the future.

Dr Rabindar was funny. She wanted to leave already, so she stood up from 2 chairs of my left to say goodbye. I stood and have her a hug. She moved to my right hand side, sat down, grabbed a tissue and dabbed her eyes.

I returned home, with my car loaded with big items (microwave and lamp, see plus the files and books from hospital). I’m gonna love the lamp so much. I held a lot of stuff in my hand as I fumbled the keys to open the house door. One of the item I was holding was the suture box. Then it dawned on me… This is it. I can’t even believe this is real. There were tears in my eyes, which quickly disappeared when my housemate came out to help me with the door.

———

A break.
Probably a break will do me good. Sharpen the saw, they said.
I had been wondering the whole day, how is clinic? How’s Meena coping without me? How’s Menaka handling the RR1? But then I have holidays to plan too.
“I hope you enjoyed your last day as a government servant. You’re full-time God’s servant.” Said Eunice, housemate. Woah~~ So I am.
Here closed another chapter of my life. With love and sweet memories.

Raya of Meaning

It’s a working Monday. Then Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday would be public holiday. Malaysia is a great country with many holidays. As expected, the morning streets are quiet and hospital parking, for once, was so pleasant.
I am doing trauma this week. And I hope in my heart, somehow, there is no newly warded patient over the weekend. But there is. A patient whose motorbike skidded and rammed a divider. And I hope, somehow, the patient is not a malay, otherwise she had to spend her raya in the hospital. Oh, but she is. Did I mention the patient is a female?

Siti (not her real name) and her younger brother were treading the trunk road from Kulim to Kelantan. On a motorbike. Regular Malaysians. I believe all they had in mind, was the spirit of holiday and Raya, heading home for a reunion with their family. When an accident happened.

I went to the ward early morning. Siti is 22 years young, slender, with straight long hair, swollen face, abrasion and cuts on the face which were cleaned. She was lying on the bed in the green shirt, which is the same as every warded patient is wearing. Her mom, in baju kurung and tudung, slender as Siti, was seated beside Siti. Puan could be younger than my mom, but the look in her eyes added years to her face. When Puan saw us, she stood up and I looked at her and said “Selamat Pagi, puan.” Greeting is important. Do not be surprised in government settings, when the doctors go to see the patients, they will flip the charts, look at the files, check the x-rays, discuss something among themselves, document the progress or order more tests, check the patient and forget to speak to the family. Puan bravely nodded back.

I assessed Siti and I told them “If can, I’d like to discharge you today so that you can make it in time for Raya tomorrow. But first, we have to make sure that you are totally fit to go home. Is that ok?” I told them to come to my clinic for treatment the same morning.

In clinic, Siti, like all my patients, sat on my treatment chair. I looked closely, she got clear light brown eyes, which are pretty. On hindsight, I don’t think that’s contact lenses. Why would a hospital patient bother to be pretty in the ward after a disfiguring accident?

Rubini, my colleague, asked me “How bad is it? Her mom is crying on the phone…”
I replied “Not very bad, actually. She might not even need any surgery.”

I started to check and treat Siti accordingly while Puan stood in front of Siti and watch. Suddenly, tears were coming from Siti’s eyes. I lifted my hands from her face and gently patted her shoulder. I am sure my hands did not cause her pain, the pain came from the heart. I know I am nobody to say “It’s OK, it’s not that bad. Don’t worry” and all that nonsense. Perhaps it’s not right to say things when I myself do not understand the pain they are going through, it’s like adding salt to a wound. But then again, as their treating doctor, I am in the position to say something reassuring and comforting. Forget about what is right or wrong.

“It’s OK Siti. Everything will be OK.” Then I realized what actually triggered Siti to cry. She saw Puan crying in front of her. Puan began to sob uncontrollably.

It’s the eve of Raya. Her daughter is warded with an injured shoulder and disfigured face. Her son is in another hospital of another state, with broken limbs. What intended to be a joyous reunion became a tragedy. What pains a mother most is probably not the greatest physical pain she would ever have to bear, but to actually see her children hurt and in pain.

Puan’s heart broke because of Siti.
Siti’s heart broke because of Puan.
That’s family love, if you ask me.

At that moment, I myself almost cannot hold back my own tears. (almost la). I grabbed some tissue and handed them to Puan, who poured out her heartache to us. I did say something in return, trying to bring comfort, but I guess it made not much sense at that situation. A pat on the back may mean more.

I went back to treating Siti. “Siti, demi mak dan keluarga, Siti kena tabah ya…”
She nodded.

Selamat Hari Raya to all Muslims who are not able to be at home with your family.

First experience in my life…

*Warning: Not for the faint hearted. Thank you.

As we opened the door leading to the main room, upbeat music filled our ears. I walked in, saw other doctors and staff and due to the nature of the music, greeted them like party-people.

The stench was terrible. The floor was wet. Like a wet market. The subject of interest laid flat on a metal table.
Welcome to the professional butcher room.
This is my first experience witnessing an autopsy.

Dental team was called because we were the primary team. He passed away in ICU.

Meena and I constantly look at each other. I honestly don’t know what is the conduct and culture here. I would have thought perhaps the atmosphere should be solemn as a respect for the deceased. But the deceased is deceased. And to the Forensic staffs, this is their bread and butter. They do this everyday.

I looked at our ex-patient. He was him alright. I had seen him alive, barely. His body was basically supported by machines for the past few days. Lying on the metal table, naked, I (and I would say for all) am looking at the body just as a body, where the soul and spirit had departed. Meena later asked me “Where did soul and spirit come from?”

The knife is probably 1 foot long and really sharp. The coroners split his chest skin with one incision, and dissected the layers underneath.
Coroners then used a saw and cut out the sternum, gaining entry to the thoracic cavity. Once he punctured the inner layer, fluid gushed out. Followed by the red fluid which emitted the stale smell.
“Boss, lungs drowning.”

In wide cuts and dissections, the coroners scooped out the lungs and the heart, and passed them to the pathologist who examined the organs carefully. Anything that possibly caused this man his life, or leading to his death.
Soon, the coroners used a really large suture and a J-hook needle which kinda look like a meat hook to sew back the body of the deceased. They have to give him back to his family who were waiting outside patiently. In about 15 minutes, I finished seeing my first autopsy experience in my life. Probably my last too.

Agely Wisdom

Born 1929, a fragile Punjabi lady walked into my clinic. She needed dental extraction.
Her name is A. Kaur, but with much effort and hand control, she signed her consent as a wriggly KUAR…
“Tuan, sila buat perlahan-lahan. Kasih ubat tak sakit masa cucuk.”
She wanted the topical analgesics prior to administering injections. Normally, only kids get it.
“Saya punya hidup manyak susah. Saya cucu meninggal dunia bulan 3. Accident. Saya manyak susah hati…”
And she started to cry. I placed the syringe down, as if trying not to add more hurts to her body than what she is already facing. While she was sobbing away, I looked at her white hair, her frail body trembling with her sobs, her wrinkled skin of past beauty.

I told her that if she wants, we can do the extraction another day. She declined the delay.
My eyes are the only visible feature as most of my face was hidden behind the mask, and my eyes, they are known to be more comical than compassionate. So…
“Itu cucu saya manyak sayang punya…”
Then while lamenting, she reminded me something that was known but forgotten.“Ini barang kalau sudah hilang, tak boleh cari balik. Duit hilang boleh cari balik. Tapi ini orang kalau hilang… tarak sudah…”