Pioneers

Ryan’s tank stood in the corner without any fish nor water in it, so I transported it across the state, 300km + til it reaches my home. Handsome tank, I must say.

I got it setup. Lots of learning curves. The pump, cleaning gasket fixing leaks, fixing light, adjusting this and that. Cleaning the rocks and the tank itself. Finally filled it up with water and a capful of anti-chlorine. Shouldn’t rush into putting fish in it, they said. So I ran the pump for a night.

The next day, I went to a Fish Shop.

“Have you got any fish that isn’t expensive and highly adaptable? It’s a new tank.” I went home with a pair of semi-transparent fishes costs RM4.50 (the price of a packed lunch) which I forgot to ask of their name, and a piece of 2kg rock that I wont even dare to inform SiewLeng how much I paid for it. They will tell me to pick it up from the roadside or use a brick instead.

Patiently, I acclimatize the fishes over 5-6 hours. And it is time to introduce them into their new home!

We dropped the fishes into the tank. Lo and behold, only one ZapChoyfan was seen swimming. Where is the other one? We searched high and low, gently touched the rocks and possible hiding places, listening to sound in case it fell out of the tank and splashing on dry land. We checked behind the tank, and even removed the lid in case it got stuck on the lid. With each passing minute, we know the other ZapChoyfan is going to die being out of water. It was upsetting – might as well buy a pack of lunch.

The whole night, I monitored the behaviour of the lone guy. He seemed comfortable, albeit lonely missing his friend. He ate. He swam freely.

I went to bed, hoping the lone guy survives the night and the stress of a new tank. And wondering what happened to the missing one.

The next day….

For the life of me… the pair is swimming happily. Alive and well.

What exactly happened? You fainted from the drop-in impact and rested on the floor?  Then you woke up from coma and all is well? Or you got sucked in by the pump filter and then reappeared filterised??

 

Love for Jesus

Oh Lord, how I love You and Your words.

Break me, if You have to….

Tho honestly, this is a very scary prayer to make.

I got to know a guy in Jan 2018.

After a few cuppa coffee and books swapping, I think we both realized that our values are rather different. So, we maintained as casual friends that even rarely  keep in contact.

Today he had the courtesy to text me.

Simple conversations initially. Then

“oh btw… I met a girl 3 months ago.”

 

Oh my. Kinda thoughtful of him to let me know? I guess that in a way, kinda render me putus cinta? LOL.Coz he is now off the shelf, right. Not that I intended to buy.

How does one putus cinta twice in a week?

I’m still on the shelf. Getting old and dusty, discolored and unattractive. Even the price tag is fading away. What a loveless 2018 😉

 

Storm

Not all storms come to disrupt your life.
Some come to clear a path.

Darkening Sky

 

You saw it. Clear, bright sky.

But a big black bully just gotta come along and make everything difficult.

Looks can be Deceiving

It happened yesterday and happened again twice today.

“Wah ! Dr, you look so young !”

“My looks can be deceiving. Har har har.” I have default responses to certain remarks from my clients. This is one of it.

And more often than not, they can’t contain themselves and ask the next question. “What are you, in your 20s??”

Oh well…. I usually look at the client and try to hear it out from his or her tone. Damn unlikely you are interested to know the secret of my youth. More likely you wanna gauge what is my age and proportionate it to what my clinical experience and expertise will be.

However, I always take it as a compliment.

Tho I am in my 30s, I feel like I am in my 20s.

I think like a 30s, still play like a 20s.

When I am travelling now, I prefer hotel pillows, compared to backpacking and double deckers then.

There are fine wrinkles on my face, that I could ignore then but not now.

I prefer reflective Hillsong worship now, tho still tuned to Oasis and some other alternatives like I did 10 years ago.

I pride myself in engaging my mind and learning new stuff now, be it a new language or a computer skill. But I still don’t read the newspaper as I never have the habit to when I was in my 20s.

Naw, I won’t deny my age. Maturity and wonderful life experiences came with it. Then again, it’s just a number. Some things change, some doesn’t. Ry once quoted “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is a choice.”

I just (teehee) bought a water pistol today. I need to arm myself for the water fight next week. At no other time and place, but Songkran at Chiang Mai! I got home and tested the plastic toy and was mighty happy with it. Makes me feel like a Bond girl.

“Aik. Kecik nye” my ol’ buddy commented. (Hi there!)

If I can bargain an M16 equivalent watergun for 300Baht or less, I’m gonna get it. OK, time to learn some Thai words specifically the shopping chapter.

2 Sides of a Coin

As much as I am living today, I am that much closer to my death. Just like living and dying are 2 opposite dimensions technically referring to the same thing; the license to love, in my opinion, is also equivalent to the license to hurt.

If you have the power to love me, chances is, you have the power to hurt me deep. Like kids to the parents, like lovers and close friends do.

Chester sang ‘I find bliss in ignorance.’ I find pain in being ignored.

And then the torrential questionings that had no answers. Is something wrong? What did we last talk about? Something I said? Something I did? Or didn’t do? You changed? Or did I? Do I really care? Maybe not. But oh, maybe yes. Are you struggling with something? You wont tell? I am not a confidential friend anymore? You need space? More space? Or just busy? Is something wrong? What is real? What isn’t? Did I conjure you in my head? Bing Bong Bing Bong, my imaginative friend. Am I sick? Am I insane? No… Are you sick? Or sick of me, lol? What’s wrong? Was the past just an act? What’s going to happen next? Are you gonna reappear…? Or that’s it, forever gone like a magician. How come like that ar? Who are you actually?

Because of this, sometimes we take a step back, guard our hearts, close some doors, and spend an eternity to observe, so that we will be careful to whom we give that lil’ license to.

People do change ya. I do too. My name means protector and defender. I protect and fight for those I care about and those I love. But when my heart changes, I am sorry I might fail you. The only One faithful yesterday, today and tomorrow is God (full stop).

So, people do change. It is painful to be ignored. It is hurtful when you’ve accidentally given someone the ticket to be closer to you, and suddenly that person doesn’t know what to do with the ticket you had given. Maybe torn into thousand pieces, maybe carelessly discarded into the dumpster, maybe folded a few times and be used to wedge the leg of a shaky table, or maybe kept secure in a place for future use. Keep guessing.

Xandria said ‘Trust is something you yourself chose to give away.’ No one is demanding it from you, and certainly who is to be blamed when expectations are not met?

As beautiful and empowering as love is, it is equally devastating. As high as it could take you up, it could also potentially bring you down low and hurt you like hell.

Then the process of healing. Sometimes it is the beginning, sometimes it is ongoing.

So let me fix my eyes on You…

Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone, Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

I haven’t found a full closure. The word of God really offers comfort and hope, but as human, we still wonder. Don’t even know what exactly is going on. It will be an emotional rollercoaster if we base our joy or the lack of it upon another (ever-changing) human being.

Therefore… if I can, I allow people to add joy to my life by loving and appreciating who I really am. And I think no one on this earth should be given the license to hurt another person. Oh then I realize, they are the different sides of the same coin. When I allowed you the power to love me fully, you indeed have the power to crush me. Haha… then again, you probably didn’t ask for it, I just gave it to you.

God, please take care of those I love. Protect and love them, especially when I fail. And comfort all the hurting hearts in the world at this very minute. Thank You. Amen.

And oh, Lord, use me as Your instrument. Lead me by Your divine appointment, to those individuals who would need a friend. I will try to be one, I will continue to love. Even when it hurts sometimes. I believe if it is forged by the bond of Christ, it will be strong. If it isn’t… so let it break.

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New Year Special

(This title came a few seconds ago when mom was sitting on the couch, flipping channels and looking for New Year Specials. It always carries a cute tone when she speaks English words)

This morning, Captain Mom declared a home locked down and wanted everybody to do spring cleaning. Not exactly your idea to spend a New Year day. But we all happily cooperated because then again, it sounds like exactly a cool way to spend the New Year day!

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A few days ago, while I was working in the clinic, I reflected how the year 2012 was going to end soon, and how exciting (or lack of it) my life had been. And I asked God, how about a testimony to share? A great ending. Something that is personal to me? Then, came a funny response. How about the reappearance of your wallet?

Now, now. It’s funny because the wallet had been missing for 2 weeks now. I couldn’t even recall how it happened. It was frustrating the day it went missing. We retraced our steps around Mile 4 market to no avail. Calls were made, cards cancelled, and police report lodged. Those who ever experienced this before can surely identify it’s not so much about the money, but the inconvenience of missing documents. The next day, I decided to wait for Good Samaritans to find my wallet and return it. Na da. So day 3, I went to apply a temporary MyCard and get a duplicate driving license. The upside of not having a wallet is I don’t have to drive or pay for anything. Hahaha!

So the conversation with God was thought provoking. I responded to God in my spirit. If the wallet really reappears now when hope is already gone, it’s gonna be a great testimony to shout about! But if the wallet never reappear, and I already told people about this conversation, then… shame shame lor! Have faith and test Me.

Came Sunday morning, I told my believer friends about this. Including the shame shame part, because I really did worry in case God cannot find my wallet. Honestly, when I relate the story, it wasn’t with much hope and confidence. The lost wallet didn’t actually mattered much anymore. The listeners probably listened as witnesses only.

But the speechless and indescribable thing is, that Sunday afternoon, a stall keeper who works in Mile 4 Market area called my mom and informed her that there was a found wallet. I was so shocked beyond words, not because of the joy of finding what was lost, but because of a God so real and amazing, it’s almost scary. Finding a lost wallet? Sap sap sui lar. I specialize in finding lost souls. My friends responses were ‘Wah, really scary.’ And ‘This challenges my faith, as well.’

There – my wallet. All cards intact, including the banks cards which are now unusable, and also WITHOUT a missing cent. O Praise God! I am grateful for the Good Samaritans who appeared 2 weeks late as well. When I thought the wallet is a goner, Sandakan proves that she has good people.

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We turned the house tipsy turvy in the effort of cleaning. Things were separated into 3 catergories. KEEP, TRASH and GIVE-AWAY. We had a good time laughing when we found a collection of my artwork done in my early teens. They were so imaginative that I am entertained, myself. That goes to KEEP. I guess Ry was sneezing away wherever he was, when we found his treasures a.k.a. junks, and laughed hard about them.

We collected a minitruck full load of TRASH. Pe and I head for the public dump to dispose of them. While throwing, I came across a box full of our old medals and trophies. Chess, Basketball, Math, Art, what nots. I hesitated a bit but still flung the box right into the dump. Over time, achievements collects dust and they don’t quite qualify to go to KEEPS… Relationship, love letters (from dad to mom!), family photos, thoughtful gifts, these are the ones we truly cherish and KEEP them.

HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW YEAR 2013. God bless you.

A Simple Tech Journey for me

At age 17, I got my first handphone (Did I hear a resounding ‘WHAT??’) – Sagem. It’s a phone brand. Haha. The model is so obsolete that I can’t find it on Google now. Of course, display was black and white.

Then, I change to good ol’ Nokia 3310. To me, Nokia 3310 is like the mother of all handphones. The words Android and Symbian probably still in the making or R&D stages. The super handphone that offers you call and message, black and white of course, and you can drop it to the ground or into the water and it still works fine. And I still managed to spend countless hours with it, playing snakes.

Entering university at 19+, I have my first color handphone. Nokia 6610 white front. grey back – with a built in camera. How cool !!

At 20, i bought another gadget (which i regret today). I had no clue then that technology would expand so tremendously. I bought a PalmOne Zire 72 an olden days ‘smartphone (konon)’ just minus the phone part. So… It was more like a portable electronic calculator or notebook and some e-books. Oh big deal!

Third year university, when my Nokia started to get a bit wonky, for no particular reason I switched to Samsung. SGH-E250 also a white. I think this was influenced by my housemate, I thought it looked nice. Whoa!! A sliding phone~

Graduation, dad gave me a Samsung Soul. I didn’t ask for it, nor it would be my choice. But since dad had a good intention, love, combined with minimal knowledge of phones or prudence to select, I gratefully accepted. Piano black, looks solid and sexy, actually I also like it’s heavier weight.

Moving on to working life, just for fun, I bought a Neonode. Like a toy but I absolutely loved it. I took a green and it looks like an alien summoning device. Only the size of my palm, this lil toy functions perfectly as a phone.

Age 26, thought should move a smartphone already. Looking for something with Wifi and GPS, that’s it and I settled for Nokia 5800 Express Music. It didn’t have the coolest appearance but I would say it’s value for money. Not entirely a smartphone, I’ll say.

Finally… year 2012, my mom gave me a Samsung Galaxy Note (which she got for free). White. I like white.

Oh I finally grew up and caught up with the new generation. I am usually slower with these gadgets, unlike my brothers. As long as a phone functions as a phone, that would be a good start for me. But my dad (the one whom I said isn’t tech savvy) said, ‘Once you change to smartphones, you won’t turn back.’ For once, he is right and I would agree now.  So looking back, I change phones on average 2-3 years, which I think is fair, considering that my generation, we own our first handphones at age 17, like a symbol of adulthood.