Dad’s Silhouette

Praise God, I’ve crossed the finish line for a 30km run merely 2 days ago. It was a humble big deal indeed! It wasn’t easy at all. At times when I forced another step forward, my whole body was screaming in pain and protest. And at a few moments, I was on the verge of tears. Because the physical and mental strength were pushed more than what I thought I can bear. But hey, this writing isn’t about me (it was on FB), this is very much about my journey and a huge part of it comprised of my hero, my dad.

At KM 11, I saw the familiar 9128U parked at the opposing roadside.

“Petey, I need your car on Saturday. Easier to follow these gals using an auto vehicle.”

And of course my eyes automatically searched and found my #1 supporter beside the car, waving with one hand as I waved back, and another hand holding his handphone recording a video.

At about KM15, around mile 7 airport roundabout, the vehicle was spotted again. This time my #1 supporter brought bananas, and more sweet drink. The sugar was a good boost, but seeing my dad was a bigger boost. I took the headlamp and glow sticks from him and prepared for the sunset and night run.

He appeared again a few times along the way. At KM 23, I had long stopped running and started walking. Pete was driving and I can hear dad and Pete and Kakak cheering from the moving vehicle “Do you need water?”   “Hey, do you wanna get into the car?”. Dad even offered the bananas, proudly harvested from his own farm, much to the gratitude of other runners. That’s my dad!

So my true ordeal started KM25 onwards. I walked very slowly because my body was not well. I could feel blisters. My legs muscles were overworked, tired and in constant pain. If I stop, they will be shaking involuntary. If I walk too fast, they were threatening a cramp. The sky had turned dark and the road was poorly lit. The runners in front and behind me were very far away. At that moment it felt pretty lonely. I know damn sure giving up is not an option. The fighter in me will go on no matter what it takes. I was half limping.

9128U reappeared at -KM4. Dad gave me water again. I told them that I was suffering… Dad hopped down from the car and said to me “I’ll go with you! Petey, take the car.”

And my #1 supporter started to grab my arm and walked tad a bit too fast for me. I had to tell him that I will walk behind him. So dad led the way in the dark, set the pace. Sometimes he looked back to see where I was. Many times, I cursed he didn’t. He didn’t understand why did I have to move like a tortoise.

“Nevermind la, slowly. You are not going to win the top prizes anyway.”

But reality hits me hard. As I look at the silhouette walking a few yards in front of me, one KM after another, my heart was flooded with love. This man, took me to my first hunting trip when I was a kid. When I left home for the first time for Form 6, I was crying (no amount of tissue paper was enough) in the plane but he was beside me. He isn’t an educated man, he always asks us how to spell this how to spell that, but he plucked up the courage to go to Jabatan Pendidikan Melaka with me when I was 18 to get me a seat for my Form 6 schooling… and sometimes he would blame himself for not having better ability to send me for overseas studies. At my 20, he insisted to visit my University and look at my room and see who my roomies were. He and mom entered the Convocation Hall with me when I was 25. At my 26 (and I was beginning to feel embarrassed), he wanted to go to Ipoh with me and sent me to my first day of work, reporting to duty lapor diri to the Ministry of Health. He was supportive when I resigned. When I was 33, he accompanied me all the way to Frankfurt for my Diploma exam and was whatsapp telling people that I did it, even before I actually sat for the exam. He was with me during the grand opening of my first clinic, and then my second. He was always with me along the way….. not many people get to boast of things like this…. Oh God, I am….

So of course at KM30, -KM0 the finishing line, (I age 35 now, excuse me) my dad was following close behind me with his camera filming the victorious moment. He had walked the final 4km with me.

Dad. Thank you. Even as I know that you will still walk many other journeys with me, walk me down the aisle, sometimes still irritate me… as long as heavens allows; I pray that we walk to heaven okay? That’s the ultimate finishing line.

Happy Birthday, my superhero dad.

“I hope to never see you again”

“I hope to never see you again.

Every time I see you, there’s nothing good….

with my teeth.” says my patient today.

 

“I prefer to meet you outside. And I’ll gladly buy you a drink.”

I poked a needle into her gums, took out her tooth and she still laughs with me. Some patients, even tho admittedly gripped by fear, still has the ability to bring cheer to us all.

=)

2 Sides of a Coin

As much as I am living today, I am that much closer to my death. Just like living and dying are 2 opposite dimensions technically referring to the same thing; the license to love, in my opinion, is also equivalent to the license to hurt.

If you have the power to love me, chances is, you have the power to hurt me deep. Like kids to the parents, like lovers and close friends do.

Chester sang ‘I find bliss in ignorance.’ I find pain in being ignored.

And then the torrential questionings that had no answers. Is something wrong? What did we last talk about? Something I said? Something I did? Or didn’t do? You changed? Or did I? Do I really care? Maybe not. But oh, maybe yes. Are you struggling with something? You wont tell? I am not a confidential friend anymore? You need space? More space? Or just busy? Is something wrong? What is real? What isn’t? Did I conjure you in my head? Bing Bong Bing Bong, my imaginative friend. Am I sick? Am I insane? No… Are you sick? Or sick of me, lol? What’s wrong? Was the past just an act? What’s going to happen next? Are you gonna reappear…? Or that’s it, forever gone like a magician. How come like that ar? Who are you actually?

Because of this, sometimes we take a step back, guard our hearts, close some doors, and spend an eternity to observe, so that we will be careful to whom we give that lil’ license to.

People do change ya. I do too. My name means protector and defender. I protect and fight for those I care about and those I love. But when my heart changes, I am sorry I might fail you. The only One faithful yesterday, today and tomorrow is God (full stop).

So, people do change. It is painful to be ignored. It is hurtful when you’ve accidentally given someone the ticket to be closer to you, and suddenly that person doesn’t know what to do with the ticket you had given. Maybe torn into thousand pieces, maybe carelessly discarded into the dumpster, maybe folded a few times and be used to wedge the leg of a shaky table, or maybe kept secure in a place for future use. Keep guessing.

Xandria said ‘Trust is something you yourself chose to give away.’ No one is demanding it from you, and certainly who is to be blamed when expectations are not met?

As beautiful and empowering as love is, it is equally devastating. As high as it could take you up, it could also potentially bring you down low and hurt you like hell.

Then the process of healing. Sometimes it is the beginning, sometimes it is ongoing.

So let me fix my eyes on You…

Colossians 3:12-13 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone, Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

I haven’t found a full closure. The word of God really offers comfort and hope, but as human, we still wonder. Don’t even know what exactly is going on. It will be an emotional rollercoaster if we base our joy or the lack of it upon another (ever-changing) human being.

Therefore… if I can, I allow people to add joy to my life by loving and appreciating who I really am. And I think no one on this earth should be given the license to hurt another person. Oh then I realize, they are the different sides of the same coin. When I allowed you the power to love me fully, you indeed have the power to crush me. Haha… then again, you probably didn’t ask for it, I just gave it to you.

God, please take care of those I love. Protect and love them, especially when I fail. And comfort all the hurting hearts in the world at this very minute. Thank You. Amen.

And oh, Lord, use me as Your instrument. Lead me by Your divine appointment, to those individuals who would need a friend. I will try to be one, I will continue to love. Even when it hurts sometimes. I believe if it is forged by the bond of Christ, it will be strong. If it isn’t… so let it break.